The hardest thing for me to do with my music has been bringing it to completion, and releasing it. It never sounds good enough to me. I’ve never felt worthy, or adequate. I’ve been writing music (and recording some of it) for over 20 years, and have struggled to release anything. The two albums by The Visible Men never would have happened without the aid of Leisure King, Scott McLean, Bill Barnett, and my bandmates. Since that group’s disbandment, I’ve written a heaping pile of songs, but they’ve all languished in various states of incompletion.
Along with the aforementioned self doubt, there’s the issue of promotion. I am a disastrously sheepish self-promoter. Self-promotion always feels painfully un-humble. But I’ve started to realize that hiding away and keeping my music from the public isn’t humility, it’s invisibility. Putting music out there doesn’t mean I think it’s great, it can simply mean that I want to give people an opportunity to hear it, in the event that they might like it, or feel a connection to it. And if it’s imperfect, that’s okay (still trying to believe this); nothing that I do will ever be the sum of who I am. But it’s extremely difficult to not feel that it’s a direct reflection of my amount of talent and ability.
For better or worse, it’s all about to change. I’ve made the decision to finish and release my music. Certainly not because I think it’s amazing, but rather, because I think it deserves to exist. As a person who has typically valued themselves only by the measure of their musical output, I’ve been left with the choice between less-than-ideal value, or no value at all. I recognize that this is generally unhealthy, and have been working on valuing myself regardless of my artistic production. It’s a slow process, and although I constantly try to tell myself “you are enough,” it hasn’t fully taken root. But it is a process, and I’ve reached the point in the process where it is important for me to put my music out there, so that at least the nonexistence of it isn’t another way for me to heap shame upon myself.
New music coming soon. Thanks for listening.
Dustin Lanker 